Autumn

Turns out my favorite season is pretty lame in Texas.

It's still hot (although it's cooling down...highs are in the high 80s/low 90s).

The only changing colors can be found in weeds and grass that have given way to a lovely yellowish brown.

Apple season was over in August, apparently. I missed that. I had planned to go out to an apple orchard  North of us...but when I called they scoffed at my stupidity in not knowing that the season is months early here.

Oops.

Not all is lost though. There's a big corn maze and some festivals and we are planning a trip out to some nature reserve that has maple trees so hopefully we will see some Fall colors yet!

At least our house looks like Fall!

James asked me last week if I would make him a surprise countdown to Halloween. 

Um, surprise? He was quite upset with me when he walked upstairs and saw what I was doing and realized that he wouldn't be surprised. 

He's an odd one.

Halloween isn't really my thing. 

I don't like being scared, I don't enjoy dressing up, and candy makes me fat. I know. I'm weird. 

BUT, my kid loves it and so I went all out...as usual.

I didn't wake up yesterday thinking about making this countdown calendar, but it did take up the majority of two days. So glad it's done and James can have fun counting down. Some of the things on our list:

Make Fall Crafts

Spooky Movie Nights (G rated, not-so-scary spooky movies)

Family Trips to Corn Mazes and Fall Festivals

Special Treat Days (Sundays)

Spooky Lunches and Dinners

Pumpkin Carving

Make Fall Treats

I think he's going to love it, but I sometimes think that my kid doesn't grasp my awesomeness in obliging his crazy requests.

And, if you've made it this long, here's a picture of me at 25 weeks in all my double-chinned glory. 15 more weeks (more or less)!

Canning Disasters

Being Fall and all, and being that apples and peaches were only 88 cents a pound, I did the only natural thing and made up large quantities of pie filling. 

Day1. I completely fail to make sure that I had all the ingredients required before peeling, coring and slicing 2 dozen apples.  I didn't have the car so I ended up juicing about 6 of those apples that took so long to prepare all for a measly 2 cups of apple juice and I ended up having to go to the store that evening to stock up for day 2. 

I should note that we have VERY hard water here and so I have to use several gallons of distilled water  for the water bath. I should also note that I failed to get more water....

Day 2. Lots of apple pie filling. It's going well. I prep all the peaches and pour the rest of my water into the canner (preparing peaches takes forever by the way). I put the last couple of apple jars in the canner and, POP! Jar breaks. Apple pie filling EVERYWHERE. The last of my precious water is totally contaminated. I have 7 quarts of peaches just sitting there waiting to be turned into pie filling. I have a pot of sugar and clearjel just waiting for the peaches. Oh, and I don't have the car. While dealing with all that I had left my huge food storage bucket of sugar open and the 4 year old decided to taste it...which, incidentally resulted in sugar all over the floor.

I ended up waiting for Paul to come home (which resulted in browner, mushier peaches than I would have liked, even with drenching them in lemon juice) and spent the entire evening canning up peach pie filling.  I can't say that I'm eager to do any more canning for awhile. In any case, I've got a bunch of delicious pie filling going on in my cupboard.

one of those days...

Today started off well enough. I ate cheerios and watched cartoons with James before we got ready to swap the car with Paul. Then we went to the library and the park before heading over to the medical center for my appointment today.

That's where the trouble began. I'd only been to this office once before and Paul drove. The medical center is this huge beast of a place with hospitals and unmarked parking garages EVERYWHERE. My GPS was confused and showed a random dot in the middle of some complex somewhere but really didn't know what to tell me as far as where to go next. I wouldn't know where I was at until I was already at the gate and there was no turning around so I had to take a ticket and find my way to the exit. At one point I thought I recognized where I was so we got out and started walking only to realize that I had no clue as to my whereabouts. So I went to another parking garage, parked, got out, walked around, was lost, walked back, cried, drove around some more...

So I sent Paul a message that said something like, "I'm so lost, don't know if I'm going to make it to my appointment." Then he started sending me texts that said things like, "calm down," and, "it'll be fine," which did absolutely nothing to calm me down.  I stood still in the humid heat holding a very sweaty 4 year old's hand and called the office to tell them I wasn't coming (because I'd cried multiple times already and felt pretty much done...I blame hormones).

I got the automated: Please hold, we value you as a patient blah blah blah. This went on for at least 5 minutes before an actual human being picked up. 5 minutes may as well have been an hour. James had no idea what to say to me other than he didn't want to hold the hand of the sweaty, hysterical woman who happens to be his mother. The lady was really nice and said there was no need to cancel the appointment and that she'd stay on the phone with me until I found them. I cried and cried and tried to explain where I was and she said not to worry because they get these calls all the time and it's a hard place to find and yada yada. I finally made it.

I was a hot mess. Red in the face from sun exposure, hair wild and crazy from the humidity, completely drenched in sweat and on the verge of mental break down at any moment. No one said anything though and I really didn't feel like rehashing the experience. A random nurse brought me a cup of water. Apparently I looked like I needed it. The appointment lasted all of 10 minutes and my Dr. informed that I'd gained more weight than he'd have liked this month and how about I watch that this next month...

I've taken a cold shower and a nap and I still feel emotionally exhausted from the whole thing. Dramatic?

maybe.

Unfortunately, drowning my sorrows in sugar isn't really an option now as I'm already fat enough as it is. Thank goodness Duck Dynasty comes on tonight. The end.

Miracles

Earlier this year I was faced with a big decision.  James was going on 4 and after trying unsuccessfully for so long to have another child I needed to make a choice. Two roads were before me: 1) Keep on trying, don't give up, live life as though I'd have more children, or 2) accept that perhaps the Lord has a different plan for my life and that I can still be of worth as a mom of one.

There was a lot of soul searching, pleading with the Lord, crying on my husband's shoulder, searching the scriptures and journal writing that got me through this time. In the end, I decided that I needed to accept the life that Heavenly Father had given me and move forward with faith that He had a reason for it. 

Once I finally made that decision to enjoy the life that I have and stop mourning the life I might never have, I was able to experience happiness.  It was such a huge burden lifted off of me. No more taking my temperature every morning and marking a little chart at the side of my bed. No more pregnancy tests that would just disappoint me. I just got to enjoy being a wife and being a mom of one great kid. 

It's not an easy place to get to. It's easy to just say, "I give up" and wave the white flag, but it's an entirely different matter to come to a place in your heart where you really truly feel defeat and accept it. It's not an easy road, but through the journey I've met some great women who deal with similar infertility/sterility issues. I never would have met these girls or understood their strength and pain had I not been given this trial from the Lord. It is nice to have a network of people who understand the pain behind the struggle and instead of telling you to "just relax and it'll happen," or "maybe this is God's answer to you," are able to comfort you on a level that only someone who really understands can. It brings Mosiah 18:9 to life "Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort..." 

I'm grateful for the understanding I have gained of Heavenly Father's love for me, despite the challenges I've been faced with. The hardest part of the journey has been knowing that what we wanted was a righteous desire and a commandment from the Lord and not understanding what lesson we are supposed to be learning and why.

And then there are miracles... 

Three months after we had made the decision to move on, I took a pregnancy test. I was completely ready for the one line to show up, throw it in the trash, and move on like I'd done a million times before.

There were two lines. 

I called Paul upstairs and he was elated. I just fell to the ground and sobbed. I felt so many emotions. Shock, disbelief, happiness, fear, gratitude, hope, doubt. It's a lot to feel all at once!

At first I was extremely skeptical given our experience with the miscarriage and having a full understanding of "missed miscarriage." I found myself very detached from the pregnancy for the first couple of weeks. Then the illness came and I felt like maybe this was for real. Luckily I married a man who doesn't take issue with doing laundry and cooking meals and doing dishes on top of the 12 hour work day he already puts in. Hearing the tiny heart beat at 8 weeks didn't hurt my optimism ;)

As the morning sickness went away and the energy returned I found myself nervous yet again since I was still early to be able to feel the baby, but past all the icky symptoms of reassurance. Today I got a surprise ultrasound at my appointment! It was so exciting to see our little baby jumping and kicking. It's finally real. We are having a baby in January!

I am feeling as good as can be expected. I'm looking forward to watching James with a little sibling. I know that he will be a fantastic big brother and I'm so grateful that the Lord has given us a chance to have another baby. At the same time, I'm going into this with my eyes open and a full knowledge that this very well could be our last baby and with that I will cherish every sleepless night!

FOUR

Can you believe that this handsome little guy is four already? I can't. It seems like yesterday we were taking him home. I'll say that every birthday til I die, I'm sure. Last week this little boy was asking me questions about his future mission. As I was answering him he asked me if I'd remember him when he grows up and moves away. I just started crying! I'm not ready for this little boy to grow up! He realized this thought made me sad and he told me not to worry, I will be his mommy forever. Thank goodness for that!

I didn't get to make him a cake this year. I was sad about it, but it was a very busy day! The boys had to get haircuts, I had errands to run, and a friend of ours had a birthday party. The whole day was taken up, so James picked out a Costco cake.

On Saturday night we took him to Peter Piper Pizza (it's like Chuck-e-Cheese) and he had a total blast playing games. We let him open one present that night.

After church on Sunday (his actual birthday) we Skype'd with my family and James opened the rest of his presents in front of them. He was so happy that people had sent him gifts. He was a very happy boy.

James is doing so well and we are so proud of him. He has made lots of friends in church and we are constantly told by his teachers how thoughtful he is when it comes to other children's feelings. If another kid is feeling sad, James will go over and hold their hand and ask them to be his friend. He's very perceptive to other people's feelings.

He's also wild and crazy. He loves to run around and sing loudly and jam out to the radio. He loves rough housing with his dad and cuddling with his mom. He loves long car rides, slurpees, I Love Lucy,  and pizza. He can write his name and can't wait to start school. He can read quite a few words, but hasn't actually memorized the alphabet (which I think is just weird because he knows the sounds, but I guess everyone learns differently, right?). I sometimes wonder if being ambidextrous comes with a totally different learning style... But anyway, that's not to say he isn't super smart, because he is. He's very excited to start school next year. I'm not really ready for it, but I'm glad that he isn't afraid of it and that he's excited to learn. He really loves drawing, Angry Birds, and helping out around the house. He's our James. He's awesome and we love him. I'm so thankful that Heavenly Father sent him to us.

The Lovely Month of May

As always, May was filled with birthdays, our anniversary, Mother's Day, and Memorial Day. It was quite the month!

For my birthday Paul made me this awesome watermelon cake so as I wouldn't break my diet. It was a great birthday. I got my hair cut, got a cute new purse, and was taken out to dinner at Johnny Carino's (Lobster ravioli...mmmm).

We kept Mother's day low-key because it's just too much to deal with in one month! James made me a picture in primary, which was more than enough to make me happy. Paul cooked dinner and did dishes. What more can you really ask for?

For Paul's birthday/Memorial Day we headed out to Bandera because we heard that there was a big rodeo out there. When we got there we saw an outdoor little festival of sorts and the town was so cute that we decided to just walk around instead. I loved the drive out there. San Antonio is a really big city and I miss the country! It was nice to get out of the city for a bit and enjoy some beautiful hill country.

As soon as we got out of the car we saw this sign and thought it was funny. Lyman Wight was technically NOT a mormon anymore since he was one of the people that broke away to form his own church after Joseph Smith died, but I suppose it's all the same to some people.

 After that we went to dinner at Rudy's BBQ. It's amazing. If you ever come to San Antonio, this is where you want to eat! James and I got Paul a bunch of stuff to the wash the car with for his birthday. He'd been eyeing a super-awesome brush from Costco for a couple months. He's obsessed with keeping the car clean. I think he was happy.

For our anniversary we went to see Oz in the dollar theater with James. I sort of forgot to get a sitter, but we made the best of it and he loved the movie. Six years, baby!

What I've Learned from Infertility

As some of you may know, I have struggled with infertility for years.
As I sit here I'm 6 weeks pregnant with a miracle. I won't post this for another several weeks when I enter into my second trimester, but I'm in a good place right now and have been feeling like I should share what my struggle with infertility has taught me over the years.

Infertility Shouldn't be Taboo
I felt incredibly alone until some close friends revealed their struggles. Their courage to share with the world led me to a whole bunch of women who have dealt with similar, or worse, circumstances and somehow found a way to be happy fulfilled people. Don't be afraid to share!

You Aren't Alone
You really aren't. I know it feels that way a lot of the time, but the reality is that

Trust in the Lord's Timing
This one's tricky.  It has been so hard for me to accept.  I think of having children as a very basic and central part of my faith. The whole purpose of this life is family. So for me, having children is a commandment. Well, why on earth should it be so difficult to get pregnant then? I mean, I'm only trying to do what the Lord wants me to do, right? Coming to terms with infertility and

Allow Yourself to Grieve
I went through every step of grief during my multiple struggles with infertility. When you finally reach acceptance, you can move on. Whether that be moving on to treatment, adoption, or contentment is up to you.

Don't Stop Moving Forward
For the longest time while I was trying to get pregnant I lived each month as if I would get pregnant. I restricted medications, made sure to not over-exhert myself during certain times of the month and spent my time planning for something that came with no guarantee. This didn't bring me happiness. I was finally able to find happiness when I accepted that a child might not be in the cards for me and that I needed to make a plan for my life that didn't include another child.

Don't Lose Faith
This one was really hard for me as my husband firmly believed and had faith that we would have more children, just as our p. blessings and other blessings had promised. He did not doubt for one second that through some form or another, we would be blessed with children.  I, on the other hand, was full of doubt for a long time. I rationalized that the blessings promised sometimes may not be of temporal but of spiritual nature. Which, I might add, is sometimes true!

I don't know why the Lord has given me this trial, but I am very grateful for the miracles he's blessed me with. I don't know if I'll be able to have more children after this. I'm going into it with complete understanding that perhaps I will only have two children, and that's ok. I will do my very best with what the Lord has entrusted me with.