FOUR

Can you believe that this handsome little guy is four already? I can't. It seems like yesterday we were taking him home. I'll say that every birthday til I die, I'm sure. Last week this little boy was asking me questions about his future mission. As I was answering him he asked me if I'd remember him when he grows up and moves away. I just started crying! I'm not ready for this little boy to grow up! He realized this thought made me sad and he told me not to worry, I will be his mommy forever. Thank goodness for that!

I didn't get to make him a cake this year. I was sad about it, but it was a very busy day! The boys had to get haircuts, I had errands to run, and a friend of ours had a birthday party. The whole day was taken up, so James picked out a Costco cake.

On Saturday night we took him to Peter Piper Pizza (it's like Chuck-e-Cheese) and he had a total blast playing games. We let him open one present that night.

After church on Sunday (his actual birthday) we Skype'd with my family and James opened the rest of his presents in front of them. He was so happy that people had sent him gifts. He was a very happy boy.

James is doing so well and we are so proud of him. He has made lots of friends in church and we are constantly told by his teachers how thoughtful he is when it comes to other children's feelings. If another kid is feeling sad, James will go over and hold their hand and ask them to be his friend. He's very perceptive to other people's feelings.

He's also wild and crazy. He loves to run around and sing loudly and jam out to the radio. He loves rough housing with his dad and cuddling with his mom. He loves long car rides, slurpees, I Love Lucy,  and pizza. He can write his name and can't wait to start school. He can read quite a few words, but hasn't actually memorized the alphabet (which I think is just weird because he knows the sounds, but I guess everyone learns differently, right?). I sometimes wonder if being ambidextrous comes with a totally different learning style... But anyway, that's not to say he isn't super smart, because he is. He's very excited to start school next year. I'm not really ready for it, but I'm glad that he isn't afraid of it and that he's excited to learn. He really loves drawing, Angry Birds, and helping out around the house. He's our James. He's awesome and we love him. I'm so thankful that Heavenly Father sent him to us.

The Lovely Month of May

As always, May was filled with birthdays, our anniversary, Mother's Day, and Memorial Day. It was quite the month!

For my birthday Paul made me this awesome watermelon cake so as I wouldn't break my diet. It was a great birthday. I got my hair cut, got a cute new purse, and was taken out to dinner at Johnny Carino's (Lobster ravioli...mmmm).

We kept Mother's day low-key because it's just too much to deal with in one month! James made me a picture in primary, which was more than enough to make me happy. Paul cooked dinner and did dishes. What more can you really ask for?

For Paul's birthday/Memorial Day we headed out to Bandera because we heard that there was a big rodeo out there. When we got there we saw an outdoor little festival of sorts and the town was so cute that we decided to just walk around instead. I loved the drive out there. San Antonio is a really big city and I miss the country! It was nice to get out of the city for a bit and enjoy some beautiful hill country.

As soon as we got out of the car we saw this sign and thought it was funny. Lyman Wight was technically NOT a mormon anymore since he was one of the people that broke away to form his own church after Joseph Smith died, but I suppose it's all the same to some people.

 After that we went to dinner at Rudy's BBQ. It's amazing. If you ever come to San Antonio, this is where you want to eat! James and I got Paul a bunch of stuff to the wash the car with for his birthday. He'd been eyeing a super-awesome brush from Costco for a couple months. He's obsessed with keeping the car clean. I think he was happy.

For our anniversary we went to see Oz in the dollar theater with James. I sort of forgot to get a sitter, but we made the best of it and he loved the movie. Six years, baby!

What I've Learned from Infertility

As some of you may know, I have struggled with infertility for years.
As I sit here I'm 6 weeks pregnant with a miracle. I won't post this for another several weeks when I enter into my second trimester, but I'm in a good place right now and have been feeling like I should share what my struggle with infertility has taught me over the years.

Infertility Shouldn't be Taboo
I felt incredibly alone until some close friends revealed their struggles. Their courage to share with the world led me to a whole bunch of women who have dealt with similar, or worse, circumstances and somehow found a way to be happy fulfilled people. Don't be afraid to share!

You Aren't Alone
You really aren't. I know it feels that way a lot of the time, but the reality is that

Trust in the Lord's Timing
This one's tricky.  It has been so hard for me to accept.  I think of having children as a very basic and central part of my faith. The whole purpose of this life is family. So for me, having children is a commandment. Well, why on earth should it be so difficult to get pregnant then? I mean, I'm only trying to do what the Lord wants me to do, right? Coming to terms with infertility and

Allow Yourself to Grieve
I went through every step of grief during my multiple struggles with infertility. When you finally reach acceptance, you can move on. Whether that be moving on to treatment, adoption, or contentment is up to you.

Don't Stop Moving Forward
For the longest time while I was trying to get pregnant I lived each month as if I would get pregnant. I restricted medications, made sure to not over-exhert myself during certain times of the month and spent my time planning for something that came with no guarantee. This didn't bring me happiness. I was finally able to find happiness when I accepted that a child might not be in the cards for me and that I needed to make a plan for my life that didn't include another child.

Don't Lose Faith
This one was really hard for me as my husband firmly believed and had faith that we would have more children, just as our p. blessings and other blessings had promised. He did not doubt for one second that through some form or another, we would be blessed with children.  I, on the other hand, was full of doubt for a long time. I rationalized that the blessings promised sometimes may not be of temporal but of spiritual nature. Which, I might add, is sometimes true!

I don't know why the Lord has given me this trial, but I am very grateful for the miracles he's blessed me with. I don't know if I'll be able to have more children after this. I'm going into it with complete understanding that perhaps I will only have two children, and that's ok. I will do my very best with what the Lord has entrusted me with.