Miracles

Earlier this year I was faced with a big decision.  James was going on 4 and after trying unsuccessfully for so long to have another child I needed to make a choice. Two roads were before me: 1) Keep on trying, don't give up, live life as though I'd have more children, or 2) accept that perhaps the Lord has a different plan for my life and that I can still be of worth as a mom of one.

There was a lot of soul searching, pleading with the Lord, crying on my husband's shoulder, searching the scriptures and journal writing that got me through this time. In the end, I decided that I needed to accept the life that Heavenly Father had given me and move forward with faith that He had a reason for it. 

Once I finally made that decision to enjoy the life that I have and stop mourning the life I might never have, I was able to experience happiness.  It was such a huge burden lifted off of me. No more taking my temperature every morning and marking a little chart at the side of my bed. No more pregnancy tests that would just disappoint me. I just got to enjoy being a wife and being a mom of one great kid. 

It's not an easy place to get to. It's easy to just say, "I give up" and wave the white flag, but it's an entirely different matter to come to a place in your heart where you really truly feel defeat and accept it. It's not an easy road, but through the journey I've met some great women who deal with similar infertility/sterility issues. I never would have met these girls or understood their strength and pain had I not been given this trial from the Lord. It is nice to have a network of people who understand the pain behind the struggle and instead of telling you to "just relax and it'll happen," or "maybe this is God's answer to you," are able to comfort you on a level that only someone who really understands can. It brings Mosiah 18:9 to life "Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort..." 

I'm grateful for the understanding I have gained of Heavenly Father's love for me, despite the challenges I've been faced with. The hardest part of the journey has been knowing that what we wanted was a righteous desire and a commandment from the Lord and not understanding what lesson we are supposed to be learning and why.

And then there are miracles... 

Three months after we had made the decision to move on, I took a pregnancy test. I was completely ready for the one line to show up, throw it in the trash, and move on like I'd done a million times before.

There were two lines. 

I called Paul upstairs and he was elated. I just fell to the ground and sobbed. I felt so many emotions. Shock, disbelief, happiness, fear, gratitude, hope, doubt. It's a lot to feel all at once!

At first I was extremely skeptical given our experience with the miscarriage and having a full understanding of "missed miscarriage." I found myself very detached from the pregnancy for the first couple of weeks. Then the illness came and I felt like maybe this was for real. Luckily I married a man who doesn't take issue with doing laundry and cooking meals and doing dishes on top of the 12 hour work day he already puts in. Hearing the tiny heart beat at 8 weeks didn't hurt my optimism ;)

As the morning sickness went away and the energy returned I found myself nervous yet again since I was still early to be able to feel the baby, but past all the icky symptoms of reassurance. Today I got a surprise ultrasound at my appointment! It was so exciting to see our little baby jumping and kicking. It's finally real. We are having a baby in January!

I am feeling as good as can be expected. I'm looking forward to watching James with a little sibling. I know that he will be a fantastic big brother and I'm so grateful that the Lord has given us a chance to have another baby. At the same time, I'm going into this with my eyes open and a full knowledge that this very well could be our last baby and with that I will cherish every sleepless night!