Miracles

Earlier this year I was faced with a big decision.  James was going on 4 and after trying unsuccessfully for so long to have another child I needed to make a choice. Two roads were before me: 1) Keep on trying, don't give up, live life as though I'd have more children, or 2) accept that perhaps the Lord has a different plan for my life and that I can still be of worth as a mom of one.

There was a lot of soul searching, pleading with the Lord, crying on my husband's shoulder, searching the scriptures and journal writing that got me through this time. In the end, I decided that I needed to accept the life that Heavenly Father had given me and move forward with faith that He had a reason for it. 

Once I finally made that decision to enjoy the life that I have and stop mourning the life I might never have, I was able to experience happiness.  It was such a huge burden lifted off of me. No more taking my temperature every morning and marking a little chart at the side of my bed. No more pregnancy tests that would just disappoint me. I just got to enjoy being a wife and being a mom of one great kid. 

It's not an easy place to get to. It's easy to just say, "I give up" and wave the white flag, but it's an entirely different matter to come to a place in your heart where you really truly feel defeat and accept it. It's not an easy road, but through the journey I've met some great women who deal with similar infertility/sterility issues. I never would have met these girls or understood their strength and pain had I not been given this trial from the Lord. It is nice to have a network of people who understand the pain behind the struggle and instead of telling you to "just relax and it'll happen," or "maybe this is God's answer to you," are able to comfort you on a level that only someone who really understands can. It brings Mosiah 18:9 to life "Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort..." 

I'm grateful for the understanding I have gained of Heavenly Father's love for me, despite the challenges I've been faced with. The hardest part of the journey has been knowing that what we wanted was a righteous desire and a commandment from the Lord and not understanding what lesson we are supposed to be learning and why.

And then there are miracles... 

Three months after we had made the decision to move on, I took a pregnancy test. I was completely ready for the one line to show up, throw it in the trash, and move on like I'd done a million times before.

There were two lines. 

I called Paul upstairs and he was elated. I just fell to the ground and sobbed. I felt so many emotions. Shock, disbelief, happiness, fear, gratitude, hope, doubt. It's a lot to feel all at once!

At first I was extremely skeptical given our experience with the miscarriage and having a full understanding of "missed miscarriage." I found myself very detached from the pregnancy for the first couple of weeks. Then the illness came and I felt like maybe this was for real. Luckily I married a man who doesn't take issue with doing laundry and cooking meals and doing dishes on top of the 12 hour work day he already puts in. Hearing the tiny heart beat at 8 weeks didn't hurt my optimism ;)

As the morning sickness went away and the energy returned I found myself nervous yet again since I was still early to be able to feel the baby, but past all the icky symptoms of reassurance. Today I got a surprise ultrasound at my appointment! It was so exciting to see our little baby jumping and kicking. It's finally real. We are having a baby in January!

I am feeling as good as can be expected. I'm looking forward to watching James with a little sibling. I know that he will be a fantastic big brother and I'm so grateful that the Lord has given us a chance to have another baby. At the same time, I'm going into this with my eyes open and a full knowledge that this very well could be our last baby and with that I will cherish every sleepless night!

FOUR

Can you believe that this handsome little guy is four already? I can't. It seems like yesterday we were taking him home. I'll say that every birthday til I die, I'm sure. Last week this little boy was asking me questions about his future mission. As I was answering him he asked me if I'd remember him when he grows up and moves away. I just started crying! I'm not ready for this little boy to grow up! He realized this thought made me sad and he told me not to worry, I will be his mommy forever. Thank goodness for that!

I didn't get to make him a cake this year. I was sad about it, but it was a very busy day! The boys had to get haircuts, I had errands to run, and a friend of ours had a birthday party. The whole day was taken up, so James picked out a Costco cake.

On Saturday night we took him to Peter Piper Pizza (it's like Chuck-e-Cheese) and he had a total blast playing games. We let him open one present that night.

After church on Sunday (his actual birthday) we Skype'd with my family and James opened the rest of his presents in front of them. He was so happy that people had sent him gifts. He was a very happy boy.

James is doing so well and we are so proud of him. He has made lots of friends in church and we are constantly told by his teachers how thoughtful he is when it comes to other children's feelings. If another kid is feeling sad, James will go over and hold their hand and ask them to be his friend. He's very perceptive to other people's feelings.

He's also wild and crazy. He loves to run around and sing loudly and jam out to the radio. He loves rough housing with his dad and cuddling with his mom. He loves long car rides, slurpees, I Love Lucy,  and pizza. He can write his name and can't wait to start school. He can read quite a few words, but hasn't actually memorized the alphabet (which I think is just weird because he knows the sounds, but I guess everyone learns differently, right?). I sometimes wonder if being ambidextrous comes with a totally different learning style... But anyway, that's not to say he isn't super smart, because he is. He's very excited to start school next year. I'm not really ready for it, but I'm glad that he isn't afraid of it and that he's excited to learn. He really loves drawing, Angry Birds, and helping out around the house. He's our James. He's awesome and we love him. I'm so thankful that Heavenly Father sent him to us.

The Lovely Month of May

As always, May was filled with birthdays, our anniversary, Mother's Day, and Memorial Day. It was quite the month!

For my birthday Paul made me this awesome watermelon cake so as I wouldn't break my diet. It was a great birthday. I got my hair cut, got a cute new purse, and was taken out to dinner at Johnny Carino's (Lobster ravioli...mmmm).

We kept Mother's day low-key because it's just too much to deal with in one month! James made me a picture in primary, which was more than enough to make me happy. Paul cooked dinner and did dishes. What more can you really ask for?

For Paul's birthday/Memorial Day we headed out to Bandera because we heard that there was a big rodeo out there. When we got there we saw an outdoor little festival of sorts and the town was so cute that we decided to just walk around instead. I loved the drive out there. San Antonio is a really big city and I miss the country! It was nice to get out of the city for a bit and enjoy some beautiful hill country.

As soon as we got out of the car we saw this sign and thought it was funny. Lyman Wight was technically NOT a mormon anymore since he was one of the people that broke away to form his own church after Joseph Smith died, but I suppose it's all the same to some people.

 After that we went to dinner at Rudy's BBQ. It's amazing. If you ever come to San Antonio, this is where you want to eat! James and I got Paul a bunch of stuff to the wash the car with for his birthday. He'd been eyeing a super-awesome brush from Costco for a couple months. He's obsessed with keeping the car clean. I think he was happy.

For our anniversary we went to see Oz in the dollar theater with James. I sort of forgot to get a sitter, but we made the best of it and he loved the movie. Six years, baby!

What I've Learned from Infertility

As some of you may know, I have struggled with infertility for years.
As I sit here I'm 6 weeks pregnant with a miracle. I won't post this for another several weeks when I enter into my second trimester, but I'm in a good place right now and have been feeling like I should share what my struggle with infertility has taught me over the years.

Infertility Shouldn't be Taboo
I felt incredibly alone until some close friends revealed their struggles. Their courage to share with the world led me to a whole bunch of women who have dealt with similar, or worse, circumstances and somehow found a way to be happy fulfilled people. Don't be afraid to share!

You Aren't Alone
You really aren't. I know it feels that way a lot of the time, but the reality is that

Trust in the Lord's Timing
This one's tricky.  It has been so hard for me to accept.  I think of having children as a very basic and central part of my faith. The whole purpose of this life is family. So for me, having children is a commandment. Well, why on earth should it be so difficult to get pregnant then? I mean, I'm only trying to do what the Lord wants me to do, right? Coming to terms with infertility and

Allow Yourself to Grieve
I went through every step of grief during my multiple struggles with infertility. When you finally reach acceptance, you can move on. Whether that be moving on to treatment, adoption, or contentment is up to you.

Don't Stop Moving Forward
For the longest time while I was trying to get pregnant I lived each month as if I would get pregnant. I restricted medications, made sure to not over-exhert myself during certain times of the month and spent my time planning for something that came with no guarantee. This didn't bring me happiness. I was finally able to find happiness when I accepted that a child might not be in the cards for me and that I needed to make a plan for my life that didn't include another child.

Don't Lose Faith
This one was really hard for me as my husband firmly believed and had faith that we would have more children, just as our p. blessings and other blessings had promised. He did not doubt for one second that through some form or another, we would be blessed with children.  I, on the other hand, was full of doubt for a long time. I rationalized that the blessings promised sometimes may not be of temporal but of spiritual nature. Which, I might add, is sometimes true!

I don't know why the Lord has given me this trial, but I am very grateful for the miracles he's blessed me with. I don't know if I'll be able to have more children after this. I'm going into it with complete understanding that perhaps I will only have two children, and that's ok. I will do my very best with what the Lord has entrusted me with.

Spring Happenings

We sure have had some fun in Texas so far (despite the fact that I'm highly allergic to tree pollen...which I must confess I didn't even know you could be allergic to trees). 

In March, James started soccer. He's really gotten so much better as time has progressed! Watching 3 year olds play soccer might be the funniest thing I've ever seen. It's certainly entertaining. The kids just follow the ball and the coaches spend their time trying to corral the children back to the field. They don't keep score since the kids tend to just kick the ball into the closest goal, but they all have a lot of fun in the first half of the game. After that, they all start having meltdowns from hunger pains and being tired and it's sort of a pain trying to get four of them out on the field. In any case, it's been fun. We have three more weeks of soccer and then we get to sleep in on Saturdays (which we are really excited for).

I love how kids are automatically friends.

James has a tendency to go a little crazy out on the field. He was so cooped in Utah and whenever he got out he would just run like a horse that's been penned up for a long time. Whenever he sees a field like this he just runs and says "I'm free as a bird" over and over. It makes for interesting soccer practice... I can't help but think of Forest Gump in those moments (Run, Forest, run!)

James and I have been on a quest to find the perfect library. It's been difficult not comparing all libraries to the Provo library where they had excellent programs and a huge children's wing. San Antonio has 27 libraries! So far we've been to Igo, Maverick, Central, Landa, Parman & Great Northwest. Only three of those actually have a children's wing, and none really compare to the clean and bright Provo, but I think that's something I'm just going to have to learn to deal with. Who knows though, there are still 21 libraries that we haven't been to.

This is the Landa library. It doesn't have a children's wing, but it is by far the most unique library I've ever been to. The Landa family wanted their home to be turned into a library. It sits on a beautifully maintained estate with the best playground I've seen. It's really incredibly beautiful. The home has all the original floors and details that you'd expect in an old rich house. It's a fun place to explore and we like visiting here.

Our backyard was really out of hand when we moved in. It looked like it hadn't been really cleaned up for years. We bagged 15 yard bags full of leaves alone, and this pile of tree branches is only about 1/3 of what Paul ended up trimming from the trees. It was quite the project. This is how I learned of tree pollen and developed pretty nasty allergies. My left eye has had nothing but trouble since we moved here. It's been undergoing an allergic reaction for months and is puffy and baggy and red and itchy all the time. At one point it got so bad that there was blood coming from my tear duct! It hasn't been the fun part of living here. I'm so glad to have all that brush out of the yard. Now if only we had grass or a deck or something out there besides dirt.

Ok, this picture just makes me smile every time I see it. James is such a studly little kid. 

So, I know I will probably not think this once it gets hot, but I have really loved the Winter and Spring weather in Texas. We get rain at least once a week, sometimes more (which we love and it's great for the garden!) and on most days I've been able to open all the windows and let the sunshine and fresh air in. Just looking at this picture makes me want to throw open the windows and take a nap (but it's raining today). I've adapted to the weather quickly and while I would have been wearing flip flops and shorts at 50 degrees in Utah, that is chilly weather here! 

Another fun place we visited is Buc-ee's. The first time we passed Buc-ee's gas station I was really confused as to what could possibly be in such a HUGE store. It's one of those places that you sort of have to visit to get the real idea of how big it is. This is just one half of the store! Everything's bigger in Texas, I guess.

I made these for our garden. I really love them and am so pleased with how they turned out! The garden is growing well and it's time to thin out the millions of plants that my little helper James dumped into the soil as seeds not so long ago.  Next time I will pay a bit more attention to him when he's grabbing seeds.

So, on Easter Sunday Paul had the stomach flu (which he graciously passed on to James and I the next day), so we didn't make it to church. We had acquired a couple of new outfits for James, including an easter outfit (see the studly photo above), but he wanted to show off his orange shoes, so this is the picture we got for Easter.

We finally decided that James is indeed left-handed and have been working on his writing skills. He's doing pretty well! He can copy down what we write so we had him make an Easter card for Grandma and Grandpa (peepaw) Willardson.  I'm having him write his name every day in hopes that one day he won't need to copy it down and will just be able to spell it on his own. I am doing preschool with him every day, but he is not really the contemplative, quiet type. I see so many children who have all their alphabet and sounds memorized EARLY, and James can hardly concentrate long enough to tell me what the letters he does know are (although he's very close to having them all memorized). I wonder if there is a book out there on how to help kids concentrate on things... In any case, he is very bright and even though he doesn't know all the names of all the letters, he can read a lot of three letter words. I love the BOB books! He's been able to read several of them on his own. I guess every kid learns differently and I should stop comparing him to other kids and focus on his accomplishments.

Last weekend we took a three hour drive down to Sugar Land to go to a work conference for Paul's company. They put us up in a hotel for the night and fed us delicious food and made Paul go to boring meetings while I got a hot bath and a nap. James stayed with my cousins who live in Sugar Land and had a blast! I hadn't seen them for years and it was so good to be around family again. I forgot how much I missed that until we drove away and I was sad to go back to San Antonio where we don't really have anyone.

This is the view from our hotel room. There was some sort of very strange snake festival going on down there. Weird.

Watching the sun rise on our way to Sugar Land. 

We live close to a Wal-Mart and Home Depot and a bunch of other shopping. James and I often go for a walk to get out of the house. Every time we pass these little trees he insists that I take his picture by them. I have no idea why.

I'm going to try and be better about blogging. I'm so sick of all the drama on facebook and I don't get to share as much through status updates as I can through blogging.

Anyway, that's what we've been up to lately. We are looking forward to August when Rosi and Roy come for visit! We miss our family!

Weekend Adventures: San Antonio Zoo & Garden Prep

The winter weather is so great here that we decided to take a trip to the zoo. We started off going to a farmer's market (year-round farmer's markets in Texas!) and then headed to the zoo.

James loved the crocodiles...

and the kangaroos...

and the elephants.  

After the zoo we checked out a nursery and ultimately ended up at Lowe's where we picked up supplies for our garden! It took Paul all of 5 minutes to put the box together. He's so handy.

James had so much fun with his little rake.  I've bathed him twice but he still smells like dirt.  I suppose he probably will all summer long.

There is still a bit of yard work to be done. It looks like it hasn't been raked in years and the trees are completely out of control. I wish there was grass in the yard, but I'll take a garden over grass any day. I'm really excited to start our garden! I've wanted one for years and we will finally have one this year!

Valentine's Day

James picked out some cute little Valentine's day crafts from JoAnn's.  We still haven't mailed them (oops), but they do exist!  He had so much fun making these!  I promise I'm mailing them soon...

 For Valentine's Day we bought Peter Pan, had chocolate fondue and stuffed ourselves full of candy.

I hope everyone had a great Valentine's day!