James Turns Three

Can you believe it? THREE years!

I can't.

Feels like yesterday I was bringing him home.

Now he's running around like crazy, talking our ears off, and reminding me more and more of a big kid.

I love him.

For his birthday he originally wanted this waterfall cake. He saw it in the Wilton magazine and has been dreaming of this cake for months.

There was no way this cake was happening.

I tried convincing him that a costco cake would be ideal.

"No, Mommy. YOU are going to make me a cake"

So I made him pick another cake.

We looked at party ideas on pinterest for hours until he finally decided on a train cake. I got my inspiration from these two cakes:

     

The first cake fell to pieces when I started frosting it. I called my sister, in tears. She brought over cake supplies, cake, frosting and I got back to work. 6 hours later:

All but two pictures from his party are on my dad's camera.

We went to Grandpa's house in Spanish Fork and had a lunch of hot dogs and blue juice (picked by James, of course) before he blew out the candles.

He got lots of presents and had so much fun!

This week he got a belated gift of money so we decided to go use his Toys R Us coupon and get something cool. Because he redeemed the coupon, he got a birthday crown and balloon. He wanted to take the rest of his money to the Disney Store. Because he came in with a birthday crown, they gave him a birthday pin! I'm telling you, it was quite the un-birthday!

Happy Birthday to my boy!

Library Reading Program 2012

I enrolled James in the Provo Library's reading program this summer. He had SO much fun.
Every week we went to the library and made a craft for which he received a sticker to put in his reading "passport." After he filled it up with stickers he got a prize--free admission to the Veteran's Pool in Provo.

He also had a reading log. For every 20 minutes we read together he got to color in a star and when he finished that he got the ultimate prize:
Trick or Treating in July at the Library

Since we already read together an hour + a day, this was easy to fulfill. It was also great getting new books every week instead of every two weeks that we previously went.
It was crazy and surreal for me because I remember taking my two youngest sisters to the library reading program in Hemet like it was yesterday!

Here are some pictures of his Library adventures:

Firecracker Hat

Pizza Craft

Everyone is Having Babies

...except me.

So, this week I was thinking how I'd be 36 weeks and probably be gearing up for an induction next week. I'd have another baby next week had I not lost it.

I can't tell you how hard it is.

In the last two weeks I have had 5 friends give birth to babies (and there are still two more to go!).

This is great for them. Especially some who have struggled with infertility.  My anguish in no way overshadows the happiness of the miracles others are receiving. But it still hurts.

I can't wait for my due date to pass. I feel like it is this big huge horrible thing looming over me. In reality, it'll probably be another day of dishes, laundry, chasing the boy and a few tears.  I just can't wait for that day to be over.  I had really been hoping to be pregnant by then so that it would make the day less horrible.

God has other plans.

I don't know why. I don't pretend to understand it at all.

I feel ridiculous. Pitiful. Helpless.

Barren.

This has come as a surprise to me as I have been doing so well the last few months. Hopefully I can return to that place soon.

Fish in a Box

Mr. P. and my little J. LOVE fish tanks. They spend hours perusing coral and exotic fish together. They currently care for a much smaller fish tank but look forward to graduation when they will upgrade to a real reef tank.

I've been noticing a LOT of fish related crafts on pinterest lately and thought, wouldn't it be cool to put together a cardboard fish tank to hold all those awesome fishy crafts?

Yes.

So we mixed up some paint and got to work.

My little cutie painting the outside of the box

Painting the inside paper

Then we did some handprint fish (which there are no pictures of because I was otherwise occupied) and painted cheerios for our coral. J. may or may not have EATEN some yellow cheerios. Sick. Thankfully the yellow paint is crayola brand and not acrylic like the blue...

Ideas for the fish and coral can be found here, here, and here.

ta da!

We plan to make more fishies for his "tank" this summer!

Infertility Sucks

I used to think that being infertile meant that you were sterile. 

That is until my bff started her journey with infertility. 

If it takes a woman a year or more to become pregnant, she is considered infertile.

She tried getting pregnant for years.

At first they thought maybe it just took them longer.

Then came the fertility testing and the string of puzzling bad news.

I remember her sadness, despair and depression over the matter as they struggled for years to conceive.

When we decided to start our family in September of 2007 I remember being afraid that I might get pregnant before her and crush her.

Then I began experiencing my own journey.  

It was helpful to have each other to lean on during that difficult time. 

Over a year later in October of 2008, she was the one who convinced me to take a pregnancy test. I didn't even think I was pregnant.

When I saw those two lines in the bathroom stall at work, I knew I couldn't keep it from her.

I called her, crying my eyes out.

I felt happy for myself, but so, so sad for her.

She was the first to know (yes, even before Paul. Shameful, I know).

When I was in the hospital recovering from having James, she was in the hospital undergoing a procedure to try to become pregnant. I vaguely remember our conversation despite all the drugs I was on at the time.

Two months later, it worked! She was pregnant.

Our kids are almost a year apart in age.

Time went on.

Then it was time to try again.

I dreaded it from the start because of my previous experience with infertility.

I was hoping that all of the baloney about getting pregnant easily the second time was true.

But it wasn't. At least not for me.

We started trying in November of 2010.

She started trying in 2011 and got her positive test a month before I did after only 2 months.

I was so excited for her and her swift pregnancy. Especially after all she went through.

But, the sadness for myself was overwhelming.

I suddenly understood to some degree how she must have felt when I got my positive over a year before her. I cried for her. I cried for myself.

Friends that had had children around the same time as James were giving birth to second children and becoming pregnant with third children.

I was overcome with gratitude when I found out that I was pregnant in December.

I was pregnant with two of my dearest friends.

Then, I lost it. 

Their pregnancies continue on.

I'm now in my 5th month of trying and each month that I don't become pregnant brings disappointment.

I feel like we have basically been trying for the past 19 months (even though I was pregnant for two of them).

My sweet little James begs for a sibling.

People who don't know say stupid things, like, "your son needs a brother"

I know. Thanks for rubbing it in!

These past few months have been hard.

Today I opened up my June Ensign and read a fantastic article about infertility.

I loved that the woman who wrote it really studied the scriptures about the "barren" women that the Lord has sent children to because I had never even thought of that!

It was an answer to my prayers.

I cannot tell you how long and hard I have prayed to accept the Lord's timing in my life and our family planning.

Today I can tell you that I do.

I know that while it doesn't make sense to me sometimes, the Lord has a purpose for my life.

He listens to me. He knows the desires of my heart and I have faith that we will be able to complete our family...

someday.

Motherhood

Almost three years ago my life was changed forever.

I became a mother.

I am so grateful for the opportunity to be a mom and there is nothing else I'd rather do.

Becoming a mother wasn't the easiest process for me, and while I have truly struggled with my ability to have more children, I am overwhelmingly thankful for the little boy that I call my own.

He is the light of my life.

If he is the only child that my Heavenly Father entrusts me with, I will have so much to be grateful for.

It isn't perfect and is a lot of work, but it is by far the most rewarding work I have ever done.

Happy Mother's Day!

Nightmares in Potty Training

Potty training was not a fun experience. I was told that boys can be a nightmare to train. 

True that.

James caught on quite quickly as to what he was to do, but knowing what to do and actually doing are two completely different matters. 

I got a lot of unwanted advice. Mostly people telling me that he wasn't ready. But many of these people don't realize that diapers are forty bucks a box and we are still starving students.

Unfortunately, cleaning out underwear is tons cheaper than diapers.

He was very good about going pee in the potty (he had that down a year ago), but poo was a different matter.

I read a lot of books. 

The books lied.

I know that every child is different. 

But my child had no issue with sitting in his own excrement.

The books gave a million ideas of how to train a child in three days or less:

M&Ms

Praise

Stickers

Prizes

Or, no prizes allowed

Everyone was pretty clear on not yelling or punishing.

And so I tried being calm.

Then I tried (not calm) timeout..but it didn't work.

Nothing was getting through to this little monster of mine. I was starting to feel like a total failure as a parent.

His future looked bleak as a 1st grader in diapers.

So one day, after cleaning poo out of  his underpants for the 9,483rd time,

I took Buzz.

I put him in the closet and informed the little person that the only way to get Buzz back would be to poo in the potty.

I fully expected him to test me to see if that really was the only way to get Buzz back, 

and he did. 

I took Woody, his puppy, his camera, his trike...

And he finally got it.

I haven't cleaned out underpants for two weeks and...

it's the best thing ever.