Everyone is Having Babies

...except me.

So, this week I was thinking how I'd be 36 weeks and probably be gearing up for an induction next week. I'd have another baby next week had I not lost it.

I can't tell you how hard it is.

In the last two weeks I have had 5 friends give birth to babies (and there are still two more to go!).

This is great for them. Especially some who have struggled with infertility.  My anguish in no way overshadows the happiness of the miracles others are receiving. But it still hurts.

I can't wait for my due date to pass. I feel like it is this big huge horrible thing looming over me. In reality, it'll probably be another day of dishes, laundry, chasing the boy and a few tears.  I just can't wait for that day to be over.  I had really been hoping to be pregnant by then so that it would make the day less horrible.

God has other plans.

I don't know why. I don't pretend to understand it at all.

I feel ridiculous. Pitiful. Helpless.

Barren.

This has come as a surprise to me as I have been doing so well the last few months. Hopefully I can return to that place soon.