Everyone is Having Babies

...except me.

So, this week I was thinking how I'd be 36 weeks and probably be gearing up for an induction next week. I'd have another baby next week had I not lost it.

I can't tell you how hard it is.

In the last two weeks I have had 5 friends give birth to babies (and there are still two more to go!).

This is great for them. Especially some who have struggled with infertility.  My anguish in no way overshadows the happiness of the miracles others are receiving. But it still hurts.

I can't wait for my due date to pass. I feel like it is this big huge horrible thing looming over me. In reality, it'll probably be another day of dishes, laundry, chasing the boy and a few tears.  I just can't wait for that day to be over.  I had really been hoping to be pregnant by then so that it would make the day less horrible.

God has other plans.

I don't know why. I don't pretend to understand it at all.

I feel ridiculous. Pitiful. Helpless.

Barren.

This has come as a surprise to me as I have been doing so well the last few months. Hopefully I can return to that place soon.

Fish in a Box

Mr. P. and my little J. LOVE fish tanks. They spend hours perusing coral and exotic fish together. They currently care for a much smaller fish tank but look forward to graduation when they will upgrade to a real reef tank.

I've been noticing a LOT of fish related crafts on pinterest lately and thought, wouldn't it be cool to put together a cardboard fish tank to hold all those awesome fishy crafts?

Yes.

So we mixed up some paint and got to work.

My little cutie painting the outside of the box

Painting the inside paper

Then we did some handprint fish (which there are no pictures of because I was otherwise occupied) and painted cheerios for our coral. J. may or may not have EATEN some yellow cheerios. Sick. Thankfully the yellow paint is crayola brand and not acrylic like the blue...

Ideas for the fish and coral can be found here, here, and here.

ta da!

We plan to make more fishies for his "tank" this summer!

Infertility Sucks

I used to think that being infertile meant that you were sterile. 

That is until my bff started her journey with infertility. 

If it takes a woman a year or more to become pregnant, she is considered infertile.

She tried getting pregnant for years.

At first they thought maybe it just took them longer.

Then came the fertility testing and the string of puzzling bad news.

I remember her sadness, despair and depression over the matter as they struggled for years to conceive.

When we decided to start our family in September of 2007 I remember being afraid that I might get pregnant before her and crush her.

Then I began experiencing my own journey.  

It was helpful to have each other to lean on during that difficult time. 

Over a year later in October of 2008, she was the one who convinced me to take a pregnancy test. I didn't even think I was pregnant.

When I saw those two lines in the bathroom stall at work, I knew I couldn't keep it from her.

I called her, crying my eyes out.

I felt happy for myself, but so, so sad for her.

She was the first to know (yes, even before Paul. Shameful, I know).

When I was in the hospital recovering from having James, she was in the hospital undergoing a procedure to try to become pregnant. I vaguely remember our conversation despite all the drugs I was on at the time.

Two months later, it worked! She was pregnant.

Our kids are almost a year apart in age.

Time went on.

Then it was time to try again.

I dreaded it from the start because of my previous experience with infertility.

I was hoping that all of the baloney about getting pregnant easily the second time was true.

But it wasn't. At least not for me.

We started trying in November of 2010.

She started trying in 2011 and got her positive test a month before I did after only 2 months.

I was so excited for her and her swift pregnancy. Especially after all she went through.

But, the sadness for myself was overwhelming.

I suddenly understood to some degree how she must have felt when I got my positive over a year before her. I cried for her. I cried for myself.

Friends that had had children around the same time as James were giving birth to second children and becoming pregnant with third children.

I was overcome with gratitude when I found out that I was pregnant in December.

I was pregnant with two of my dearest friends.

Then, I lost it. 

Their pregnancies continue on.

I'm now in my 5th month of trying and each month that I don't become pregnant brings disappointment.

I feel like we have basically been trying for the past 19 months (even though I was pregnant for two of them).

My sweet little James begs for a sibling.

People who don't know say stupid things, like, "your son needs a brother"

I know. Thanks for rubbing it in!

These past few months have been hard.

Today I opened up my June Ensign and read a fantastic article about infertility.

I loved that the woman who wrote it really studied the scriptures about the "barren" women that the Lord has sent children to because I had never even thought of that!

It was an answer to my prayers.

I cannot tell you how long and hard I have prayed to accept the Lord's timing in my life and our family planning.

Today I can tell you that I do.

I know that while it doesn't make sense to me sometimes, the Lord has a purpose for my life.

He listens to me. He knows the desires of my heart and I have faith that we will be able to complete our family...

someday.

Motherhood

Almost three years ago my life was changed forever.

I became a mother.

I am so grateful for the opportunity to be a mom and there is nothing else I'd rather do.

Becoming a mother wasn't the easiest process for me, and while I have truly struggled with my ability to have more children, I am overwhelmingly thankful for the little boy that I call my own.

He is the light of my life.

If he is the only child that my Heavenly Father entrusts me with, I will have so much to be grateful for.

It isn't perfect and is a lot of work, but it is by far the most rewarding work I have ever done.

Happy Mother's Day!

Nightmares in Potty Training

Potty training was not a fun experience. I was told that boys can be a nightmare to train. 

True that.

James caught on quite quickly as to what he was to do, but knowing what to do and actually doing are two completely different matters. 

I got a lot of unwanted advice. Mostly people telling me that he wasn't ready. But many of these people don't realize that diapers are forty bucks a box and we are still starving students.

Unfortunately, cleaning out underwear is tons cheaper than diapers.

He was very good about going pee in the potty (he had that down a year ago), but poo was a different matter.

I read a lot of books. 

The books lied.

I know that every child is different. 

But my child had no issue with sitting in his own excrement.

The books gave a million ideas of how to train a child in three days or less:

M&Ms

Praise

Stickers

Prizes

Or, no prizes allowed

Everyone was pretty clear on not yelling or punishing.

And so I tried being calm.

Then I tried (not calm) timeout..but it didn't work.

Nothing was getting through to this little monster of mine. I was starting to feel like a total failure as a parent.

His future looked bleak as a 1st grader in diapers.

So one day, after cleaning poo out of  his underpants for the 9,483rd time,

I took Buzz.

I put him in the closet and informed the little person that the only way to get Buzz back would be to poo in the potty.

I fully expected him to test me to see if that really was the only way to get Buzz back, 

and he did. 

I took Woody, his puppy, his camera, his trike...

And he finally got it.

I haven't cleaned out underpants for two weeks and...

it's the best thing ever.

The Hearts of the Children

As many of you may know, the 1940 census was recently released. 

I've been trying to get at least one batch indexed from as many states as I possibly can (some states are already  complete so there's no hope of getting them all, otherwise I would). 

I found my grandparents and my great-grandparents.  It was very exciting to see their names on the census and feel the brief connection with my Grandma. 

Gosh, I miss her. 

In my search for my grandparents I had a little chat with my dad and found out some things I didn't know before. I had always assumed that my grandparents had met in Utah since they were both born here. 

Turns out I was wrong.

Grandpa was living with family in National City, California and Grandma moved to National City to live with her Aunt. He was a linoleum layer. She worked at an orange packing plant. They met at a church dance, fell in love and traveled back to Utah to get married in the Salt Lake temple (where we were married 66 years later to the day).

My dad assumed that they were both in National City in 1940 since they got married in 1941, but I was already halfway done searching Brigham City records when I found Grandma. She was still living with her mother and was only 17.  She was a mere year away from being sealed to Grandpa.

This year the Brigham City Temple will be completed. The new temple sits on the plot where Grandma used to live. I cannot wait to go. 

I love family history. 

I love to know who and where we came from.

I love that we can be together forever.

That knowledge keeps me going.

Random Update

Life is going on here. Some days are worse than others. I find myself breaking down over seemingly small things every now and then. I'm lucky to have some awesome friends and family and the gospel to keep me grounded. 

Don't give up.

Don't you quit.

You keep walking.

You keep trying.

There is happiness ahead...

You keep your chin up

It will be alright in the end.

Trust in god and believe in good things to come.

- Elder Holland

Anyways, onto happier things:

I did some more sewing (of course). A vest for James and a shirt for myself. 

Dr. Seuss' Birthday

We made a cat in the hat hat from paper, tape and a paper plate, and read a bunch of the books. 

St. Patrick's Day

James loves green. He LOVES it. Seriously. It's his favorite color (he says so several times a day). He firmly believes that almost everything would be better if it were green So you can see why I was excited about St. Patrick's Day this year-it's GREEN day!

We all wore our green shirts (no pictures of this...oops), had a green breakfast of waffles and green fruit salad. James wore his special green hat all day long and we made a fun rainbow craft and did an awesome preschool packet. He had a blast!

Easter

We took James to an Easter egg hunt at the BYU football stadium. We got him a Cosmo DVD for Christmas and he's been obsessed with Cosmo ever since. He was more excited to meet Cosmo then he was to hunt eggs. It was fun though.

 

On Easter Sunday we went to my parent's house and James had a little egg hunt there as well. He had so much fun. Uncle Ryan even showed him how to throw rocks. Yay. 

James Being Silly

 Oh, and I also made James some new bedding! I actually did this the day before the miscarriage and totally forgot about it! I wish I had a better camera. It's pretty awesome though.